"Even snakes are afraid of snakes."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 29 of 192)
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"I had my coat hangers spayed."
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"Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you.""
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"What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!"
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"He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo."
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"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and it holds the world together."
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"The tragedy of growing old is not that one is old but that one is young."
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"A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!""
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"My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror.""
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"It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge."
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"I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary."
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"Humor is reason gone mad."
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"During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk."
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"Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year."
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"The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference."
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"Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything."
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"It is characteristic of all deep human problems that they are not to be approached without some humor and some bewilderment."
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"That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone."
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"I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'"
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"For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half man's hunger."
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