"How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?"
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 35 of 192)
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"Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?"
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"What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?"
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"A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better."
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"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
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"Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business."
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"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"
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"They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge."
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"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
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"I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire."
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"If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?"
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"If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts."
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"I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out."
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"He who drinks a tumbler of London water has literally in his stomach more animated beings than there are men, women, and children on the face of the globe."
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"Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?"
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"I firmly believe that if the whole material medica, as now used, could be sunk to the bottom of the sea, it would be better for mankind-and all the worse for the fishes."
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"The one and only thing over which you have complete and total control is how you focus your own mind. Luckily, this determines everything else."
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"It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously"
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"We have really everything in common with America nowadays, except, of course, language."
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"I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens."
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