"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 38 of 192)
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"When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep."
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"I seated ugliness on my knee, and almost immediately grew tired of it."
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"Beauty is an outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused."
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"Total absence of humor renders life impossible."
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"People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House."
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"I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out."
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"A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair."
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"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread."
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"The speed of time is one second per second."
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"Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?"
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"If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before."
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"Whatever happened to preparations A through G?"
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"You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time."
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"The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.""
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"Do fish get cramps after eating?"
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"Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?"
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"I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded.""
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"When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?"
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"Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?"
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