"They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!"
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 49 of 192)
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"Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey."
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"We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife."
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"Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut."
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"When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!"
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"Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits."
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"When a man's dog turns against hime, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma."
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"English humor is hard to appreciate, though, unless you are trained to it. The English papers, in reporting my speeches, always put 'laughter' in the wrong place."
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"We may well lie with what seems to be a woman of flesh and blood, and yet all the time it is only a devil in the shape of a woman."
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"What shall we do with...the Jews?...their homes also should be razed and destroyed."
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"Quality requires your Presence."
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"Force is all conquering, but it's victories are short lived."
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"Were it not for my little jokes, I could not bear the burdens of this office."
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"All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution."
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"That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy."
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"It's all a big hoax, honey. I never wrote a song in my life. I get one-third of the credit for recording it. It makes me look smarter than I am. I've never even had an idea for a song. Just once, mybe."
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"I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole"."
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"I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent.""
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"I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays."
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"Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal."
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