"Might I trouble you to open the window, for chloroform vapour does not help the palate."
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Humorous quotes
Humorous
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Humorous quotes (page 20 of 81)
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"I promised myself that if ever I had some money that I would savor a cigar each day after lunch and dinner. This is the only resolution of my youth that I have kept, and the only realized ambition which has not brought disillusion."
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"I do not hold that we should rearm in order to fight. I hold that we should rearm in order to parley."
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"I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm."
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"My brain? It's my second favorite organ!"
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"An exotic and irrational entertainment."
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""It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever" he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?""
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"It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color."
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"One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted."
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"Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full.""
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"The French complain of everything, and always."
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"I miss New York. I still love how people talk to you on the street - just assault you and tell you what they think of your jacket."
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"It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it."
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"Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason."
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"Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add."
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"He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie."
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"You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience."
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"The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way.""
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"If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found."
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"Professional soldiers are people who die for a living."
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