“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 122 of 1263
“The only thing most people do better than anyone else is read their own handwriting.”
“When I play with my cat, who knows whether she is not amusing herself with me more than I with her.”
“Write something insightful. Say Morgan Freeman said it. Win at internet.”
“Maybe they invited me because they know I have a tuxedo”
“Funny how you can live a whole life waiting and not know it.”
“Until we begin to see each other as ourselves, nothing will change. We are one planet.”
“[At first sight of the Acropolis:] It's beige! My color!”
“Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.”
“Ready...set-y...spaghetti!”
“You know I have about the same interest in jewelry as I have in politics, horse racing, modern poetry, and women who need weird excitement – none.”
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but it is still nonsense.”
“The cleverest woman on earth is the biggest fool on earth with a man.”
“Somebody's boring me. I think it's me.”
“you must be gay; only thus can life be endured. I speak from experience for I have had to endure much, and have only been able to endure it because I have always laughed whenever I had the chance.”
“Accidentally consumed five biscuits when I wasn't paying attention. Those biscuits are wily fellows - they leap in like sugary ninjas”
“If poor people knew how rich rich people are, there would be riots in the streets.”
“I say everything's about company. A gourmet meal with an asshole is a horrible meal. A hot dog with an interesting person is an amazing meal.”
“Life is a game, and it's much more fun if you play it as your own game, so stay light and loose and relaxed.”
“Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.”