“I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 157 of 1263
“I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.”
“I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.”
“Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.”
“If you steal from one person is Theft, and if you steal from Lots of people is Research”
“Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it.”
“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrariwise, what it is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be it would. You see?”
“A burden in the bush is worth two on your hands.”
“Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.”
“The only thing worth having in an earthly existence is a sense of humor.”
“I like a man who can run faster than I can.”
“My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.”
“The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.”
“Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you.”
“When turkeys mate they think of swans.”
“Gossip is what no one claims to like, but everybody enjoys.”
“It's so beautifully arranged on the plate - you know someone's fingers have been all over it.”
“People forget facts, but they remember stories.”
“Real friends stab you in the front.”
“Seriousness is an accident of time. It consists of putting too high a value on time. In eternity there is no time. Eternity is a moment, just long enough for a joke”