“When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 158 of 1263
“I heave the basketball; I know it sails in a parabola, exhibiting perfect symmetry, which is interrupted by the basket. It's funny, but it is always interrupted by the basket.”
“Jazz is like blues with a shot of heroin!”
“I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.”
“That's history. I say history because it happened in the past.”
“Puddleglum's my name. But it doesn't matter if you forget it. I can always tell you again.”
“Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.”
“Why don't I drink from a straw? Because straws are for suckers.”
“The stone often recoils on the head of the thrower.”
“We stock up on popcorn and candy like we're crossing the Sierras, don't we? I'll have a couple of soft pretzels, a hot dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there, that bucket? You don't have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? - Oh, and a Diet Coke.”
“Personal columnists are jackals and no jackal has been known to live on grass once he had learned about meat - no matter who killed the meat for him.”
“The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.”
“Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.”
“Clean your finger before you point at my spots.”
“A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one.”
“I think fame itself is not a rewarding thing. The most you can say is that it gets you a seat in restaurants.”
“Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.”
“If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'”
“The desire to impress is an efficient means of bringing out one’s least impressive qualities.”
“A little bad taste is like a nice splash of paprika. We all need a splash of bad taste-it's hearty, it's healthy, it's physical. I think we could use more of it. No taste is what I'm against.”