“I haven't killed anybody all day. Help me keep it that way.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 176 of 1263
“Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.”
“In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.”
“Now about those ghosts. I'm sure they're here and I'm not half so alarmed at meeting up with any of them as I am at having to meet the live nuts I have to see every day.”
“The dirt of gossip blows into my face and the dust rumors cover me. But if the arrow is straight and the point is slick, it can pierce through dust no matter how thick.”
“Belts are only good for holding up your pants”
“The audience will always forgive you for being wrong and exciting, but never for being right and dull.”
“And there's always soma to calm your anger, to reconcile you to your enemies, to make you patient and long-suffering. In the past, you could only accomplish these things by making a great effort and after years of hard moral training. Now, you swallow two or three half-gramme tablets, and there you are. Anybody can be virtuous now. You can carry at least half your morality about in a bottle. Christianity without tears-that's what soma is.”
“I’m frightened of eggs, worse than frightened; they revolt me. That round white thing without any holes, and when you break it, inside there’s that yellow thing, round, without any holes… Brrr! Have you ever seen anything more revolting than an egg yolk breaking and spilling its yellow liquid? Blood is jolly, red. But egg yolk is yellow, revolting. I’ve never tasted it.”
“Come, my pretender, my fritter, my bubbler, my chicken biddy! Oh succulent one, it is but one turn in the road and I would be a cannibal!”
“I'm the seagull. No, that's not it. I'm an actress. That's it.”
“The facts are there that we have created, man has, a self-inflicted wound that man has created through global warming.”
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?”
“Everybody sort of questioned why we get married on New Year's Day, and of course, the avid sports fans wouldn't come, because they had to watch the Rose Bowl or whatever that is on that day.”
“What has influenced my life more than any other single thing has been my stammer. Had I not stammered I would probably... have gone to Cambridge as my brothers did, perhaps have become a don and every now and then published a dreary book about French literature.”
“Many a true word hath been spoken in jest.”
“I got in at 2 with a 10, and woke up at 10 with a 2.”
“When someone says to me, Ugh, you smoke. I reply, Ugh, you're ugly. I can quit smoking.”
“I worked in your orchards of peaches and prunes. I slept on the ground in the light of the moon. On the edge of the city you'll see us and then, we come with the dust and we go with the wind.”
“Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.”