“Everybody likes a compliment.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 196 of 1263
“If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”
“Never be bored, and you will never be boring.”
“A good neighbor sometimes cuts your morning up to mince-meat of the very smallest talk, then helps to sugar her bohea at night with your reputation.”
“You're never too old to play. You're only too old for low-rise jeans.”
“Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.”
“Maybe I don't take myself so seriously any more. And I don't care how I'm judged. I'm past all that.”
“Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.”
“Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.”
“Beware of monotony; it's the mother of all the deadly sins.”
“Twelve experts gathered in one room equal one big idiot.”
“I just consider myself a piece of the puzzle and I'm lucky enough to be asked or invited to the party, if you will. I hope I can bring some laughs and grimaces to the fans.”
“Be very careful about your care. Don't use it for sexual high jinks. It can get ugly - trust me. Also be careful when flushing.”
“Hand me down the shark repellent Bat-Spray!”
“A shot of brandy can save your life, but a bottle of brandy can kill you.”
“To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.”
“Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.”
“A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.”
“History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.”
“I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.”