“I guess I'm too outspoken.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 231 of 1263
“Someone called all the newspapers in New York and told them I'd died. I've been told by almost everyone it was an ex-wife - I've had a few so it's hard to pinpoint which one - but who knows for sure?”
“If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle.”
“Winter is not a season, it's an occupation.”
“The Ten Commandments are for lame brains. The first five are solely for the benefit of the priests and the powers that be; the second five are half truths, neither complete nor adequate.”
“Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.”
“Is it not, then, better to be ridiculous and friendly than clever and hostile?”
“Boredom is the root of all evil - the despairing refusal to be oneself.”
“God turned out to be a bunch of bad little kids playing interstellar Xbox. Isn't that funny?”
“My favorite is when you go to Afghanistan and you meet the special forces guys, and they look like these heavily armed surfers. These guys are the best. You see guys dressed as full Afghans, but then wearing a Yankees hat.”
“If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. There's a math lesson for you.”
“How many people have never raised their hand before?”
“My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”
“Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?”
“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”
“I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.”
“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”
“Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock.”
“No government ever voluntarily reduces itself in size. Government programs, once launched, never disappear. Actually, a government bureau is the nearest thing to eternal life we'll ever see on this earth!”
“I'm not beholden to the public, and neither are the public beholden to me or my songs. I'm very much of a populist on those terms, I believe that the song is no longer mine anyway. I like to process the dispossession that happens when you play something live. I don't have a clue as to how these songs are going to plan out, whether they're going to be on a record. I don't know yet.”