“Humor is when the joke's on you but hits the other fellow first -- before it boomerangs.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 233 of 1263
“I've always found it very... sanitary to be broke.”
“It would seem that the more irresponsible and crafty one is, the more likely one is to have a talent for storytelling.”
“An ad hominem attack against an individual, not against an idea, is highly flattering. It indicates that the person does not have anything intelligent to say about your message.”
“When I was 7 years old, I put on shows for everyone at my grandpa's funeral. I was always the little entertainer.”
“Lying is the most fun a woman can have without taking her clothes off.”
“Bill Gates wants people to think he's Edison, when he's really Rockefeller. Referring to Gates as the smartest man in America isn't right... wealth isn't the same thing as intelligence.”
“Dieting is the only game where you win when you lose!”
“A sense of humour and a little lack of respect: That's what you need to make a legend survive.”
“How clever you are, my dear! You never mean a single word you say.”
“Only the unimaginative can fail to find a reason for drinking Champagne”
“My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One of us has got to go.”
“In one dancing saloon I saw the only rational method of art criticism I have ever come across. Over the piano was printed a notice: 'Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.'”
“It was nice that you guys have such a good sense of humor, because some people don't have the ability to laugh at something.”
“Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.”
“Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.”
“I realised long ago that skirts are hopeless. Anytime I hear a man say he prefers a woman in a skirt, I say, 'Try one. Try a skirt.'”
“The third time you say a thing it sounds like a lie.”
“A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."”
“I've watched a lot of guys through the years, and they hold their breath until they finally win The Big One, thinking then they can exhale and chill out. You have to breathe through life, man. Have fun”