"I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy."
Read quote
7 likes
Quote collection
Dennis Miller quotes (page 5 of 13)
244 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks."
Read quote
7 likes
"Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?"
Read quote
7 likes
"Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time."
Read quote
6 likes
"Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand."
Read quote
6 likes
"If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion"
Read quote
6 likes
"I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort."
Read quote
6 likes
"The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board."
Read quote
6 likes
"How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching."
Read quote
6 likes
"In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to."
Read quote
6 likes
"It's wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone."
Read quote
6 likes
"Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber."
Read quote
6 likes
"There will be select instances where the consumer is interested in paying for premium content. I think it will be difficult to get people to pay for something on the Internet that they can find elsewhere on the Internet for free."
Read quote
6 likes
"With Browns' ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the 'dog pound' are secretly calculating how much blood they're going to have to sell next week to put groceries on the table."
Read quote
6 likes
"What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy."
Read quote
6 likes
"Seems to me we move the furniture, the French come in later and put the doilies on top of it...It's a simple fact they've always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends and are almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to wishes of their enemies. And if they want to get their hands dirty now they're just gonna have to run 'em through their own hair."
Read quote
6 likes
"I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party."
Read quote
6 likes
"The second type you have at these parades seems to be the people who want to mislabel Hitler. Everybody in the world is Hitler. Bush is Hitler, Ashcroft is Hitler, Rumsfeld is Hitler. The only guy who isn't Hitler is the foreign guy with a mustache dropping people who disagree with him into the wood chipper. He's not Hitler."
Read quote
6 likes
"Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours."
Read quote
6 likes
"I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave."
Read quote
6 likes