"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 15 of 192)
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"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
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"If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them"
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"I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all."
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"How do you feel, Georgie?" whispered Mrs. Weasley. George's fingers groped for the side of his head. "Saintlike," he murmured. "What's wrong with him?" croaked Fred, looking terrified. "Is his mind affected?" "Saintlike," repeated George, opening his eyes and looking up at his brother. "You see...I'm HOLEY, Fred, geddit?"
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"The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post."
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"North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from."
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"The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten"
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"There is always some frivolity in excellent minds; they have wings to rise, but also stray."
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"If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk."
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"Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing."
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"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer."
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"Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.""
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"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."
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"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
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"Old age is fifteen years older than I am."
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"White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!"
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"One of the most feared expressions in modern times is 'The computer is down.'"
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"In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants."
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"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
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