"If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 16 of 192)
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"A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime."
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"Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them."
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"Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence."
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"I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself."
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"I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side."
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"The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone."
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"He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian."
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"Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?"
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"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."
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"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."
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"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
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"My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime."
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"Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it."
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"A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast."
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"The best way to get rid of the Devil, if you cannot kill it with the words of Holy Scripture, is to rail at and mock him. Music, too, is very good; music is hateful to him, and drives him far away."
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"Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!"
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"I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'"
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"There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam."
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"So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back."
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