"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 7 of 192)
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"If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?"
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"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."
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"I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
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"The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt."
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"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
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"Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home."
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"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer"
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"I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
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"Don't talk to me." "Why not?" "Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret."
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"I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres."
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"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral."
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"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"
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"You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven."
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"Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit."
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"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."
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"Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way."
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"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."
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"Humor is not a mood but a way of looking at the world. So if it is correct to say that humor was stamped out in Nazi Germany, that does not mean that people were not in good spirits, or anything of that sort, but something much deeper and more important."
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"As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy."
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