“I like everything. Boyish girls, girlish boys, the heavy and the skinny. Which is a problem when I'm walking down the street.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 114 of 1263
“Laughter is no enemy to learning”
“Do not trust any statistics you did not fake yourself.”
“I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.”
“Half the time I feel like I'm appealing to the downer freaks out there. We start to play one downer record after another until I begin to get down myself. Give me something from 1960 or something; let me get up again. The music of today is for downer freaks, and I'm an upper.”
“Gin and drugs, dear lady, gin and drugs.”
“The necessity of saying something, the embarrassment produced by the consciousness of having nothing to say, and the desire to exhibit ability, are three things sufficient to render even a great man ridiculous.”
“Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.”
“I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.”
“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”
“Morons. I've got morons on my team.”
“If your enemy is superior, evade him”
“Guys are lucky: We can wear a suit over and over, just with different shirts and ties.”
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond.”
“You can never be overdressed or overeducated.”
“Punctuality is the thief of time”
“With a gentleman I am always a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I try to be a fraud and a half.”
“You can't get too attached to any one shampoo. And conditioner, also.”
“My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity.”
“When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.”