“Slanders, sir, for the satirical rogue says here that old men have grey beards, that their faces are wrinkled, their eyes purging think amber and plum-tree gum, and that they have a plentiful lack of wit, together with most weak hams.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 135 of 1263
“Remember gentleman, it's not just France we're fighting for, it's Champagne!”
“Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.”
“The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.”
“In ancient times cats were worshiped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
“If a conservative is a liberal who's been mugged, a liberal is a conservative who's been arrested.”
“Librarians are notorious snitches—don’t let anybody convince you otherwise.”
“Idleness, we are accustomed to say, is the root of all evil. To prevent this evil, work is recommended.... Idleness as such is by no means a root of evil; on the contrary, it is truly a divine life, if one is not bored.”
“When a storm comes, it is the trees that get uprooted. Be as humble as the grass and nothing can touch you.”
“And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!”
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
“Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them.”
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist.”
“When a woman grabs my braids and says "How cute!" I crab her breast and say "How cute!" She never touches me again!”
“Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something.”
“Injections are the best thing ever invented for feeding doctors.”
“There is one kind of robber whom the law does not strike at, and who steals what is most precious to men: time.”
“I love meetings with suits. I live for meetings with suits. I love them because I know they had a really boring week and I walk in there with my orange velvet leggings and drop popcorn in my cleavage and then fish it out and eat it. I like that. I know I'm entertaining them and I know that they know.”
“Why do they blame me for all their little failings? They use my name as if I spent my entire days sitting on their shoulders, forcing them to commits acts they would otherwise find repulsive. 'The devil made me do it.' I have never made one of them do anything. Never. They live their own tiny lives. I do not live their lives for them.”
“A zombie film is not fun without a bunch of stupid people running around and observing how they fail to handle the situation.”