“Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 15 of 1263
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
“Since when does absence of evidence equate to evidence of absence?”
“I don't drink anymore... I freeze it and eat it like a popsicle.”
“It was a woman who drove me to drink. Come to think of it, I never did hang around to thank her for that. 'Hey lady! Do I look all blurry to you? 'Cause you look blurry to me!'”
“To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.>>.”
“Nothing is worth more than laughter. It is strength to laugh and to abandon oneself, to be light. Tragedy is the most ridiculous thing.”
“Always keep a big bottle of booze at your side. If a bird starts talking nonsense to you in the middle of the night pour yourself a stiff drink.”
“If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.”
“This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart.”
“The first time you marry for love, the second for money, and the third for companionship.”
“I'm not strange, weird, off, nor crazy, my reality is just different from yours.”
“All the dreamers in all the world are dizzy in the noodle!”
“How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.”
“People who love sausage and people who believe in justice should never watch either of them being made”
“What America needs now is a drink.”
“One useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three is a Congress.”
“I'd like to be a jellyfish, 'cause jellyfish don't pay rent.”
“Therapy is extremely expensive. Popping bubble wrap is radically cheap.”
“If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.”