“Golf. Trying to knock a tiny ball into an even smaller hole with implements ill suited to the purpose.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 160 of 1263
“Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.”
“My fake Japanese was smooth enough to earn me the title of 'The Emperor of Pleasing Graciousness' in that country.”
“My imagination makes me human and makes me a fool; it gives me all the world, and exiles me from it.”
“Jesus was a pothead- long hair, beard, sandals, carpenter- do the math it all adds up. Living with twelve guys with no visible means of support.”
“When the Day of Judgment dawns and people, great and small, come marching in to receive their heavenly rewards, the Almighty will gaze upon the mere bookworms and say to Peter, “Look, these need no reward. We have nothing to give them. They have loved reading.”
“Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.”
“Being a bird ain't all about flying and shitting from high places.”
“The secret of being a bore... is to tell everything.”
“Rappin bout blunts and broads, Tits and bras, ménage à trois, sex in expensive cars.”
“If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.”
“I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.”
“Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.”
“Coffee - the favorite drink of the civilized world.”
“I'll be clickin' by your house about two forty-five, Sidewalk Sundae Strawberry Surprise.”
“Give me a scotch, I'm starving.”
“Those that'll tell don't know, and those that know won't tell.”
“The way we see the problem is the problem.”
“The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.”
“I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!”