“Those modern analysts, they charge so much! In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 191 of 1263
“To the extreme I rock a mike like a vandal.”
“The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot.”
“This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet.”
“Lying has a kind of respect and reverence with it. We pay a person the compliment of acknowledging his superiority whenever we lie to him.”
“As soon as she hit the door we start blastin', I saw her brains hit the floor, raw laughin'.”
“I'm very old-fashioned. Occasionally I do wear underwear.”
“I honestly don't understand the big fuss made over nudity and sex in films. It's silly.”
“Getting caught masturbating sucks. I got caught masturbating in jail 7 or 8 times, it really sucks.”
“The profession of shaman has many advantages. It offers high status with a safe livelihood free of work in the dreary, sweaty sense. In most societies it offers legal privileges and immunities not granted to other men. But it is hard to see how a man who has been given a mandate from on High to spread tidings of joy to all mankind can be seriously interested in taking up a collection to pay his salary; it causes one to suspect that the shaman is on the moral level of any other con man. But it is a lovely work if you can stomach it.”
“You know, I have found a new way to get high and stay spaced out for hours on end, and the government can't stop me... It's called senility.”
“To be equitable, economic growth has to be sustainable. To be sustainable, economic growth has in turn to be all-inclusive. All-inclusive is no longer the greatest good of the greatest number. It is actually 'Sarvodaya' or the 'rise of all'. This Mahatma Gandhi saw as essential to Satyagraha itself.”
“We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.”
“Ballet: men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.”
“There's three things in this world that you need: Respect for all kinds of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.”
“When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?”
“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
“If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them”
“I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.”
“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.”