“I'm in favor of liberalizing immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants. I'd let just about everybody in except the English.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 205 of 1263
“What monster have we here? A great Deed at this hour of day? A great just deed - and not for pay? Absurd - or insincere?”
“But no matter how many fish in the sea, itd be so empty without me.”
“I was born a premature birth. My first words were "bleep, bleep" and "Curse, Curse" My breath still stinks and I'm on my 3rd cert.”
“You can't imagine what satisfaction can be gotten from throwing a pie into someone's face.”
“An unalterable and unquestioned law of the musical world required that the German text of French operas sung by Swedish artists should be translated into Italian for the clearer understanding of English-speaking audiences.”
“I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.”
“Suspense is torture ... but delightful--or there'd be no gambling in the world.”
“Insistent advice may develop into interference, and interference, someone has said, is the hind hoof of the devil.”
“The only really good thing about acting in movies is that there's no heavy lifting.”
“If you would not be laughed at, be the first to laugh at yourself.”
“Don't cry over spilled milk”
“A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.”
“When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.”
“Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.”
“I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.”
“Unshined shoes are the end of civilization.”
“I describe my look as a blend of mother goose, cinderella, and the local hooker!”
“Vice is nice, but liquor is quicker.”
“Women and elephants never forget.”