“I heard a definition once: Happiness is health and a short memory! I wish I'd invented it, because it is very true.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 43 of 1263
“There seems to be some perverse human characteristic that likes to make easy things difficult.”
“"Mr. Churchill you're drunk!" Mr. Churchill: "And you, Lady Astor, are ugly. As for my condition, it will pass by the morning. You, however, will still be ugly.”
“I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
“I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.”
“Always been purple. Like I remember being in the first grade, looking up at the color charts, and saying, 'Man, purple is the best color, man, it's the best color, it just is the best color.' I have a lot of purple shirts and stuff, I'm always wearing purple.”
“What are Fred and I? Next door neighbors?”
“The best way to enjoy your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
“Santa knows Physics: Of all colors, Red Light penetrates fog best. That's why Benny the Blue-nosed reindeer never got the gig.”
“Our culture will become like it was during the medieval times when there truly was a cultural elite. The rest of the people will just watch television, which will be their only frame of reference.”
“It's silly when girls sell their souls because it's in.”
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body”
“The honey is sweet, but the Bee stings.”
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
“I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”
“Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.”
“Never make a decision when you need to pee.”
“Never miss an opportunity to shut up.”
“Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.”
“There is no conversation more boring than the one where everybody agrees.”