“I am a misanthropic humanist... Do I like people? They're great, IN THEORY.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 58 of 1263
“Don't say Aretha is making a comeback, because I've never been away!”
“Left wing, chicken wing, it don't make no difference to me.”
“I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”
“A "Bay Area Bisexual" told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.”
“To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.”
“Amplification is the vice of modern oratory.”
“You sell a screenplay like you sell a car. If someone drives it off a cliff, that's it.”
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
“They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.”
“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.”
“When the Dark Lord takes over, is he going to care how many O.W.L.s or N.E.W.T.s anyone’s got? Of course he isn’t. . . . It’ll be all about the kind of service he received, the level of devotion he was shown.”
“Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves who was determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out of the corner of her mouth 'It unscrews the other way.”
“I'm more than ever of the opinion that a decent human existence is possible today only on the fringes of society, where one then runs the risk of starving or being stoned to death. In these circumstances, a sense of humor is a great help.”
“I have no objection to anyone's sex life as long as they don't practice it in the street and frighten the horses.”
“Multi-tasking is merely the opportunity to screw up more than one thing at a time.”
“The first kiss I had was the most disgusting thing in my life. The girl injected about a pound of saliva into my mouth, and when I walked away I had to spit it all out.”
“I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.”
“Alice tried another question. "What sort of people live about here?" "In THAT direction," the Cat said, waving its right paw round, "lives a Hatter: And in THAT direction," waving the other paw, "lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they're both mad." "But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked. "Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad." "How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice. "You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."”
“The pimp has a grin, never a smile.”