"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
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Quote collection
Woody Allen quotes (page 18 of 41)
818 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using 'hermeneutics,' when they meant 'heuristic'."
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"I would not like to live in the past because you don't get anesthetic when you go to the dentist. You don't get antibiotics. You don't get the things that you are used to now, cell phones and televisions and things that are very convenient. You don't want that. But, it would be fun if you could, every now and then, just meet a friend for lunch at Maxim's in Paris in 1900, or go back to 1870 just for a couple of hours, take a walk in the park, and then come right back to Broadway."
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"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."
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"I've had a very productive life. I've worked very hard, I've never fallen prey to depression. I'm not sure I could have done all of that without being in psychoanalysis."
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"I've inherited the worst of each parent. I have my father's hypochondria and lack of concentration. I have his amorality. I have everything bad that he had. Then I have my mother's surly, pill-like, complaining, whining attitude."
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"There's no rhyme or reason to anything that I do. It's whatever seems right at the time."
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"I work all the time because it's a great distraction and it keeps me from sitting home and obsessing morbidly."
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"I can levitate birds. No one cares."
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"Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib."
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"They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live."
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"I think it's my job or the artist's job, to try and find some solution or some reason to accept things. But given the grimmest reality, I feel the grimmest facts are the real facts, the true facts: that you're born, you die, you suffer, it's to no purpose, and you're gone forever, ever, ever, and that's it."
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"Some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all ... you know, they become lawyers."
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"I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today."
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"Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer."
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"When you make the film, it's like a chef who works on the meal. After you're working all day in the kitchen and dicing and cutting and putting the sauces on, you don't want to eat it. That's how I always feel about the films. I work on it for a year. I've written it, I've worked with the actors, I've edited, put the music in. I just never want to see it again."
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"People say that death is a part of life and there must be something to it, but I just see it as bad news and I want everybody to stop sugarcoating it."
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"If you can delude yourself by believing that there is some kind of Santa Claus out there who is going to bail you out in the end, then it will help you get through. Even if you are proven wrong in the end, you would have had a better life than a non-believer."
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"I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know."
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"You can't work at a relationship; you can't control it. You have to be lucky and go through your life. If you are not lucky you have to be prepared for some degree of suffering. That's why most relationships are very difficult and have some degree of pain. People stay together because of inertia, they don't have the energy. Because they are frightened of being lonely, or they have children."
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