"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
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Quote collection
Groucho Marx quotes (page 9 of 16)
319 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves."
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"If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."
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"Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it."
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"Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in."
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"Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself."
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"A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar."
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"He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days."
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"How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?"
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"There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one."
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"A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead."
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"Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money."
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"In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know."
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"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
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"She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me."
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"Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed."
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"Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies."
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"Humor is reason gone mad."
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"Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind."
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"Do you mind if I don't smoke?"
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