“Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 130 of 1263
“Budget: a way of going broke methodically”
“If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.”
“She is like a revolving lighthouse; pitch darkness alternating with a dazzling brilliancy!”
“'O Tiger-lily,' said Alice... 'I wish you could talk!' 'We can talk,' said the Tiger-lily: 'when there's anybody worth talking to."”
“You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.”
“Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders.”
“There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.”
“I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.”
“Elvis was the only man from Northeast Mississippi who could shake his hips and still be loved by rednecks, cops, and hippies.”
“There are 10-20 times more male comics than female comics; it's something to do with the social structure of society.”
“It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge.”
“Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.”
“Forget the cheap white wine: go to beef and gin!”
“Your wig steers the gig.”
“If men had to have babies, they would only ever have one each.”
“I don't think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.”
“Dream big and surround yourself with brilliance, even if you end up dressed up like a flower or a sexually transmitted disease.”
“The shelf life of the average trade book is somewhere between milk and yogurt.”
“Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.”