“Exaggeration of every kind is as essential to journalism as it is to dramatic art, for the object of journalism is to make events go as far as possible.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 142 of 1263
“I'm kind of a dork. I don't have much game. I'm not particularly comfortable in bars or clubs. I much prefer being home playing Scrabble, having dinner with a couple friends, going to see a movie, or losing a whole weekend to Season 14 of Law and Order or The Simpsons.”
“Lord, what fools these mortals be!”
“I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat.”
“I am a Beyonce fan. I’m gonna watch her upcoming documentary because fortunately one of the TVs in our kitchen has closed captioning so I’ll be able to understand what she says. You know Beyonce can’t talk. She sounds like she has a fifth grade education.”
“A panda walks into a tea room and ordered a salad and ate it. Then it pulled out a pistol, shot the man in the next table dead, and walked out. Everyone rushed after it, shouting "Stop! Stop! Why did you do that?" "Becuase I am a panda," said the panda. "That's what pandas do. If you don't believe me, look in the dictionary." So they looked in the dictionary and sure enough they found Panda: Racoon-like animal of Asia. Eats shoots and leaves.”
“Humor is also a way of saying something serious.”
“The bulldogs with the first points on the board. Tim Tebow looking to change that.”
“One has to secrete a jelly in which to slip quotations down people's throats - and one always secretes too much jelly.”
“There are only two mantras, yum and yuck, mine is yum.”
“I think people who have faults are a lot more interesting than people who are perfect.”
“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”
“I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'”
“I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.”
“If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?”
“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”
“Life is more than sunglasses and hit movies. Reality - that's the main event.”
“Being gay is like glitter, it never goes away.”
“So I hope that there are people out there laughing. Laugh loud, please. Laugh until your lungs give out because I will have the last laugh.”
“Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt.”