“I had a lot of dates but I decided to stay home and dye my eyebrows.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 150 of 1263
“Get a sun lamp to keep you looking as if you have just come back from somewhere expensive.”
“Admittedly, a homosexual can be conditioned to react sexually to a woman, or to an old boot for that matter. In fact, both homo - and heterosexual experimental subjects have been conditioned to react sexually to an old boot, and you can save a lot of money that way.”
“There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.”
“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
“A little mordida, here. A little mordida, there.”
“The only thing I can recommend at this stage is a sense of humor, an ability to see things in their ridiculous and absurd dimensions, to laugh at others and at ourselves, a sense of irony regarding everything that calls out for parody in this world. In other words, I can only recommend perspective and distance.”
“Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil... prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon...”
“Do not always assume the other fellow has intelligence equal to yours. He may have more.”
“The internet is changing all forms of communication, and this definitely includes political communication.”
“Sherman made the terrible discovery that men make about their fathers sooner or later... that the man before him was not an aging father but a boy, a boy much like himself, a boy who grew up and had a child of his own and, as best he could, out of a sense of duty and, perhaps love, adopted a role called Being a Father so that his child would have something mythical and infinitely important: a Protector, who would keep a lid on all the chaotic and catastrophic possibilities of life. ~Tom Wolfe”
“The best way to deal with procrastination is to postpone it.”
“Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.”
“Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.”
“Men die, but the plutocracy is immortal; and it is necessary that fresh generations should be trained to its service.”
“We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!”
“We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.”
“Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?”
“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”