“If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 47 of 1263
“My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate.”
“I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!”
“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
“You'd better hurry up, they'll be waiting for 'the Chosen Captain' — 'The Boy Who Scored'— whatever they call you these days.”
“I wanted to be an actor. Maybe a comic actor, but an actor. That's what got me into acting was putting on an act, because in life, I wasn't funny and I felt on stage or in the movies, I could do whatever I wanted to. I was free.”
“Frequently the more trifling the subject, the more animated and protracted the discussion.”
“After a rest in Edinburgh, where, passing a music-shop, I heard some blind man playing a mazurka of mine.”
“The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, 'I've got a really bad idea.' And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, 'And I can make it sh*ttier.'”
“Imagine, if you will, that I am an idiot. Then, imagine that I am also a Congressman. But, alas, I repeat myself.”
“I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse.”
“There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.”
“I was in the right place at the right time.”
“I was the toast of two continents: Greenland and Australia.”
“A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerated the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected, and outlast the unbearable.”
“Fun I love, but too much fun is of all things the most loathsome. Mirth is better than fun, and happiness is better than mirth.”
“Very good orators, when they are out, they will spit; and for lovers, lacking--God warn us!--matter, the cleanliest shift is to kiss.”
“A joke is a very serious thing.”
“Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.”
“Most people don't care if you're telling them the truth or if you're telling them a lie, as long as they're entertained by it.”