“When I grow up I want to be a little boy.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 83 of 1263
“Let's make a deal: You figure out what the labyrinth is and how to get out of it, and i'll get you laid. -Alaska Young”
“As a teenager I went all Goth, but I wasn't mopey enough. I would pretend to be, but I'd end up making people laugh.”
“Zits are beauty marks.”
“Homeschooling will certainly produce some socially awkward adults, but the odds are good they would have been just as quirky had they spent twelve years raising their hand for permission to go to the bathroom.”
“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”
“Haters are confused admirers who can’t understand why everybody else likes you”
“You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.”
“I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.”
“It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.”
“An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.”
“Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!”
“I'm looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.”
“Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.”
“I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'”
“To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.”
“Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.”
“You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.”
“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.”
“It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get.”