“One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 97 of 1263
“Some lose all mind and become soul,insane. some lose all soul and become mind, intellectual. some lose both and become accepted”
“Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.”
“Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.”
“Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun”
“Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are, somebody's going to get hurt.”
“A sense of humour is the only divine quality of man”
“Vanity keeps persons in favor with themselves who are out of favor with all others.”
“Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.”
“My sense of humor is a turkey, and I pull it out of the oven and baste it in reality.”
“People don't buy plastic and paper, they buy emotions.”
“As far as I can tell from studying the scriptures, all you do in heaven is pretty much just sit around all day and praise the Lord. I don't know about you, but I think that after the first, oh, I don't know, 50,000,000 years of that I'd start to get a little bored.”
“The better it gets, the fewer of us know it.”
“I ain’t no hipster, but girl I can make your hips stir.”
“In politics stupidity is not a handicap.”
“Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.”
“People who say that yesterday was better than today are ultimately devaluing their own existence.”
“A week is a long time in politics.”
“If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”
“Example, whether it be good or bad, has a powerful influence.”