"A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life."
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Quote collection
Woody Allen quotes (page 4 of 41)
818 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100."
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"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."
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"See, I never gain an ounce, because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics."
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"Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue."
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"Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy."
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"There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure."
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"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
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"Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?"
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"Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come."
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"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
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"How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?"
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"Chastity is curable, if detected early."
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"Heaven knows, we all make mistakes. That's life - and chess."
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"But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!"
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"All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it."
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"I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat."
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"Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete."
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"I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet."
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"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No."
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