“My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 147 of 1263
“Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!”
“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
“What's another word for Thesaurus?”
“You can prevent your opponent from defeating you through defense, but you cannot defeat him without taking the offensive.”
“My father was swallowed alive by his own anus. It was a terrible way to go.”
“So top grade's O for 'Outstanding,'" Hermione was saying, "and then there's A-" "No, E," George corrected her, "E for 'Exceeds Expectations.' And I've always thought Fred and I should've got E in everything, because we exceeded expectations just by turning up for the exams.”
“Fred and George turned to each other and said together, "Wow, we're identical!" "I dunno though, I think I'm still better looking," said Fred, examining his reflection in the kettle.”
“Statistical thinking will one day be as necessary for efficient citizenship as the ability to read and write!”
“The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.”
“I would much rather end up a fertiliser under a sunflower which is eventually made into sunflower seed oil so that instead of nibbling me in her prawn cocktail, the pretty girl will rub me on her bristols as she suns herself on a beach in the Caribbean.”
“For eight years, I was sleeping with the president, and if that doesn't give you special access, I don't know what does!”
“If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!”
“I tend to head for what's amusing because a lot of things aren't happy. But usually you can find a funny side to practically anything.”
“Hear no evil, speak no evil, and you won't be invited to cocktail parties.”
“To have become a deeper man is the privilege of those who have suffered.”
“Illusion is the first of all pleasures.”
“What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.”
“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”
“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”