“Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 117 of 1263
“The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!”
“If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.”
“Sex-appeal is the keynote of our whole civilization.”
“Patience is the art of finding something else to do.”
“Books are a narcotic.”
“You cannot control your own population by force, but it can be distracted by consumption.”
“What is called 'capitalism'is basically a system of corporate mercantilism, with huge and largely unaccountable private tyrannies exercising vast control over the economy, political systems, and social and cultural life, operating in close cooperation with powerful states that intervene massively in the domestic economy and international society.”
“One of the greatest dangers is secular religion - state worship.”
“Growth is a funny sort of concept. For example, our GNP increases every time we build a prison. Well, okay, it's growth in a sense.”
“If voting could actually change anything, it would be illegal.”
“Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.”
“Nationalism is just racism with a flag.”
“They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?”
“I thought it was against the law for a woman to solicit.”
“I don't care what kind it is, just get me a beer.”
“Stupidity is a talent for misconception.”
“Fart for freedom, fart for liberty—and fart proudly.”
“When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?”
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”