“I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant.'”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 25 of 1263
“The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.”
“Q: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? A: You can't hear an enzyme.”
“I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.”
“I had rather live with cheese and garlic in a windmill.”
“Win as if you were used to it, lose as if you enjoyed it for a change.”
“Cucumber should be well sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out.”
“I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.”
“People who boast about their I.Q. are losers.”
“There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend.”
“Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I've had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh.”
“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
“All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.”
“Do you know, I always thought unicorns were fabulous monsters, too? I never saw one alive before!" Well, now that we have seen each other," said the unicorn, "if you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you.”
“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.”
“People go through three conversions: The conversion of their head, their heart, and their pocketbook. Unfortunately, not all at the same time.”
“A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.”
“Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants.”
“You never worry about the last laugh if you've been laughing the whole time”
“Beware the military-industrial complex.”