“Yes, that's it! Said the Hatter with a sigh, it's always tea time.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 65 of 1263
“Here’s my most funniest joke, I’m broke.”
“Those that respect the law and love sausage should watch neither being made.”
“Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.”
“In department stores, so much kitchen equipment is bought indiscriminately by people who just come in for men's underwear.”
“People hope that if they scream loudly enough about "values" then others will mistake them for serious, sensitive souls who have higher and nobler perceptions than ordinary people. Otherwise, why would they be screaming? Moral bitterness is a basic technique for endowing the idiot with dignity.”
“Never give up the ganja.”
“Many people claim coffee inspires them, but, as everybody knows, coffee only makes boring people even more boring.”
“Like all real heroes, Charley had a fatal flaw. He refused to believe that he had gonorrhea, whereas the truth was that he did.”
“Everybody thinks I drink beer but I actually like cider!”
“There is a gulf between the high value Americans put on life in theory and its cheapness in practice.”
“I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.”
“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”
“Nothing is so musical as the sound of pouring bourbon for the first drink on a Sunday morning. Not Bach or Schubert or any of those masters.”
“Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.”
“The bikini is the most important thing since the atom bomb.”
“Nobody got murdered before lunch. But nobody. People weren't up to it. You needed a good lunch to get both the blood-sugar and blood-lust levels up.”
“Don't you hate people who drink white wine? I mean, my dear, every alcoholic in town is getting falling-down drunk on white wine. They think they aren't drunks because they only drink wine. Never, never trust anyone who asks for white wine. It means they're phonies.”
“I have eyes like a bullfrog, a neck like an ostrich and long, limp hair. You just have to be good to survive with that equipment.”
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”